SnOw =)

Whew! 

It's been a pretty long chunk of time since I got on here. I never really feel like I have anything important enough to say that I should be writing it down. But since a lot has changed.. I figured I would provide an update.

I finally got out of the shitty job I was at. I suppose it was a good place to work, but I was starting to really hate it, and couldn't stand all the immigrants anymore. The last few weeks were a bit more tolerable thanks to Mike, who moved me over to shipping and receiving where the people are more fun and friendly, and we got to have a good time together before I left.

After my last day though, things got kinda rough. It was only a week or so, but now it feels like it had been a day or 2, and it already feels like a blur, after just a month. 

I got to enjoy my birthday with Kyles family, and we all had a few days to share time together. I miss them a ton. Kyle and I spent a nice night in a hotel the night before we dropped off my car to the shipping place, and of course I took advantage of the hot tub, which courtyards always provide. Thank you courtyard. 

Eventually the trip to the airport came. It didn't really feel real. Kinda just felt like it was an errand we had to run real quick and we'd be back in the apartment after an hour. But the time came when I had to go through security, and it hit Kyle that this was it. I was still in errand running mode, and just left like it wasn't happening. It wasn't until after I got to my gate and looked at my phone when reality started to slap me in the face. I cried and it got pretty painful at that point. 

Going to Arizona for a week before making it home also made reality a bit blurry again. It made the trip feel like a vacation, instead of a move. I had a great time, and I'm glad I went and hung out with my buddy.. but the circumstances of being there at that time sort of clouded the experience and made it hard to have as much fun as I would have had otherwise. 

Finally after 5 days in a totally different city than I'm used to, I made it to my hometown. Down on the ground in the most familiar environment I know. I still felt like I was on vacation for a while because I didn't have my car back yet, and I've been living at my grandmothers. Spending a week in Massachusetts was a good time, and I finally had a chance to spend time with most of the family for the holidays. 

The part that bothers me though... Spending time with my family like that whenever I want was a big part of why I moved home.

But when I was spending that time with them, by the end of the week I feel like I had gotten my family fix, and oddly enough, felt ready to jump back on a plane to my other home. With Kyle. But that's not in the cards for me. This was permanent, and irreversible. 

I feel pretty torn. I love being home. I love driving around town. I love being able to go where ever I want, by myself, and not feel anxious. I can jump in the car and go to the mall, and I don't need Kyle there next to me to make me feel comfortable doing it. I love that I'm eating healthy, and Its EASY. I don't have unhealthy temptations all day long, and nothing encouraging me to go get something bad to eat. I love that I can take a drive to Vals and see the kids. I love that I feel like I have all the freedom in the world.

On the other hand. I miss having Kyle around to hang out with all the time. Laying on him, watching Chopped with him, and getting foot rubs. I miss living in San Jose with him in our apartment. Going to Santana Row and stroll up and down eating ice cream and bitching about all the richies. I miss Sunday's when we would spend the day with Kyles amazing parents and get an amazing home made meal every time. Watching the Amazing Race, and Big Brother. Eating home made apple pie, or chocolate chip cookies, or whatever new desert she created for the night. I miss working on cars with Kyles dad, and playing with Koopa outside. I miss happy hour at Elephant Bar. I miss seeing his family, going to Redding, or spending time with his parents, along with Jill, Steve, Janice, Ken, Jenna, Katie, Lauren, Chad, Nicholas, Amy, and little Walter.

I wish I could have his family here. As much as I miss all of that in California, I know that I could never live there forever. I'll never buy a house in that state, and I need my seasons. I want to buy a house here and nothing would make me happier than to have a settled life here on the east coast and have him and his family here with me. The part that makes the thought shitty, is that I know his parents would love it out here. Steve wants to live in Alaska for gods sake. They love the different weather, and they love the cold.. They just don't know how it is with the snow, and the image in their mind overestimates it insanely, and its not as bad as they think it is. 

*Sigh* 

Now that my fingers are about to fall off.. It's time for me to wrap this up. 

In the end, I'm pretty glad to be home, and excited to start working, which means I'll be back on a strict routine that will allow me to lose weight again, and save money to plan for the safe and settled future that I'm looking forward to. 

Whatever will happen with the life I left behind will just have to stay on hold until I decide where to fit it back into this other life I went back to. 

Hopefully it all works out... causing heartbreaks is the last thing I want right now, and/or later on. 

PS: I finally got to see some snow since I've been back. I'm waiting on some tonight, but not sure if its gonna ever start falling.

Too bad I'm stuck here with nothing to do on this cold (hopefully white) Friday night. 

TooooTtLES!!

Lay me down

Finally its Friday and I can fucking relax for a couple of days.
90% of the reason I'm blogging today is cause I just bought a rubber keyboard and I'm trying it out  =)
It's easy to fuck up... like I keep re-typing everything cause if you don't really punch all the keys, it wont type.

Work is insane. I can't believe how brainless everyone there is. They literally can't function without me, It's pathetic. Fuck I had so much shit to say when I sat down and now I cant think. I was probably gonna talk about how basically all I do at work is strictly keep track of inventory and stay on top of everything that's going on, but all I can think about is how full I am right now.
Me and Kyle went to Outback. We got seated, and no waitor showed up for like 10-15 minutes. It was insane. Finally, Kyle went to the hostess and said we still hadn't been greeted yet, so she offered to get us the drinks. Then when the waitress finally came, she gave us free drinks and an appetizer for being so slow. Turns out though, our REAL waitress was on break, and the girl that was gonna cover for her must have forgot or something.
So I had a house salad, quesadilla, and Kyles free cheesy fries. I'm full.

I know you can't tell by reading, but I went back to the normal keyboard.. the rubber one was taking to long. Haha, no pun intended.

I got an hour of overtime at work today. I knew it would be hectic. We're behind on shipments, and we needed skins to come in today so we could finish up. But once they came, we put the screens on and the first one I turned on... it wouldn't even turn on. So I went to the next one, and that one had a vacuum pump problem. After we got the first one to turn on, (replaced one of the 3 main cables) then the vacuum pump was bad on THAT one too! So yea, I had to fix all this shit, test them and put skins on and bla bla bla. And of course I have to do EVERYTHING.
I would say more shit but I'm about to go see Inception again with kyle and it starts in an hour.
Happy Friday!! Can't wait to sleep in like a motherfucker.
GNIGHT!!!

<3

Shoulda stayed home shootin the breeze all day..

2010 pretty much sucks. 80% of it has mostly just been boring and day by day, 40 hour weeks, and nothing special. The other 20% has been shit.
First of all...  January, moms house burned down and honey died. She had to stay in a hotel for 6 or 7 months with none of her things.
March I finally got to fly home and see the devastation. My home, the place I grew up in for 18 years, was a black, smelly, filthy shell of destruction. Everything was black, everything melted, and completely ruined.  
April, my sister came to California to visit me. She had only been there about a day or 2. I went to work each morning for about 4 hours while she was still sleeping. Towards the end of the week, I was sitting at my desk and it was about 7 am and I get a phone call from my grandmother. I knew already something wasn't good.
Mom had a heart attack....  She was in the hospital and they said she was okay and would maybe need surgery. I left work and went home after only being there about an hour. I told Hill and Kyle what was going on and we just sat there talking about it. Hill was gonna get on a plane the next day anyway to go home. I bought a ticket for the same day Hill flew home, just a few hours later. It was an overnight flight and I got there around 10am and got a ride straight to the hospital. I stuck around for a few days before I had to fly back.
Then in July or so, all kinds of crap started happening. A co-worker of my sisters was killed by her crazy boyfriend. She was shot in a car in the parking lot, then he shot himself.
Then someone else from her work had a friend who passed away in their sleep for no reason.
After that, my neighbor from back home died. He had several medical issues and was getting quite old.
Then some psycho in Manchester got fired from his job for stealing. So he went into his work, and shot and killed 8 people, then himself.
Also my friend had found her ex boyfriend's body after he had committed suicide.
And the last thing was my cousins grandfather had passed away.
All of this happened this year, and no really good things happened to balance any of this out. It's just been bad news after bad news after bad news.
Then of course I had to go and be stupid and get myself 7 stitches.

Then on top of all this, the thoughts and planning of moving home is killing me. I bite Kyle's head off almost everyday for no reason. Probably cause I'm anxious to go home, and mad at myself cause I know I'm gonna ruin so much shit for him.
I'm worried I'm gonna get home and not find a job, then maybe miss the convenient life I have here and regret the move. But in March I was SOOOOOO sure that this is EXACTLY what I wanted. So I don't know what the fuck is right. I'm still shooting for November. And I NEED to somehow set up a job.

 What a day, what a day
Shoulda stayed home shootin the breeze all day
Close your eyes from, no sleep this week
Tap your heals home, then fall alseep....

Numero Uno

After all the bitching I do at work about people sucking at speaking English, it figures I go and write my first title in fucking Spanish.

So I've been in California for 2 years and 1 month so far. Worked 3 jobs, and lived in 3 places.
My favorite thing about being here is being a part of Kyles family. His parents treat me and feel like my own, and it feels like I still have a dad around.
My least favorite thing about being here is having NO family and just about NO friends. It took a while, but eventually it becomes unbearable. Just about nothing is worth this lack of family. I want the Christmas' and thanksgivings that I remember. I want to watch Courtney, and Jake and my little cousins grow up. And I would die for some rain. And not just a light drizzle throughout the day, but a good long week of a hardcore downpour that makes it inconvenient just to go out to the store.

I would probably sit here and write tons more boring shit about the constant battles I have in my own brain all day. But this vicodin is telling me to shut up, relax, and go the fuck to sleep.

So tomorrow I can vacuum the apartment, got to the store for some more band-aids, go to the bank, and try to get the haircut I want, and fail because I dont trust anyone or wanna pay more than 40 bucks.
I just started craving macaroni and cheese.

Gnight Love (The only one thats gonna read this) <3